Day 49 - July 26

Tomorrow is a big day for us. We're going for a special ultrasound that serves as a screening for Down Syndrome. It's supposed to be a much higher resolution sonogram than the ones we've had previously, and most importantly-- we may have the opportunity to find out the gender!

This has been a huge milestone for us, one that I've really anxiously awaited from the moment we found out we were pregnant. Actually, come to think of it, I'm surprised I haven't talked about it much yet up to this point, because it's almost all I ever think about. Is it a boy or a girl in there? It comes down to what is essentially a flip of the coin that will forever change the course of our lives.

My way of processing this experience has largely been talking about it, here in the blog and with Allison, every day. But I've really been wanting to find an artistic outlet for my excitement, and I feel like without knowing the gender, I don't know what to do with myself. I want to paint a mural in the guest bedroom, but I don't know what paint colors to buy. I'd like to buy a toy maybe, or when I walk through Target and I pass by the baby clothes, I can't help but wonder if I'll be buying Batman or Cinderella t-shirts. I'm a huge planner, and so much of my planning hinges on whether we're having a boy or a girl. I feel like for the past month I've just been spinning my wheels until the moment when we finally find out. Hell, I don't even know which pronoun to use when I refer to the baby! I keep defaulting to "he" without meaning to (just like Allison keeps saying "she").

On that subject, I haven't really been able to decide if I have a preference about gender. I have absolutely no doubt that I will fall in love with the idea of a boy or girl the minute I find out, so it's not about disappointment. It's really more about the "fantasy" of the gender roles; do I imagine it will be a little boy who wants to play catch in the backyard, or a little girl who wants to play dress-up? Of course these are just stereotypes. I could very well have a boy who wants to ballroom dance, or a girl who wants to play golf. I don't much care about gender roles. But that said, it is hard not to daydream about how it will be to have a son or daughter, largely influenced (I'm sure) by images that have stuck in my head from movies and TV and all the other subtle influences I've grown up with.

Part of me feels like I favor having a boy, but I'm not sure why. I'm next exactly a man's man, I'm not really into sports and I've always felt that I relate a little better with women (my girl friends have always outnumbered the guys in my life). Part of this gender discussion has me realizing that I'm going to have to be open-minded and adapt to how this kid turns out to be. I grew up in the theater, and I may like to envision that my own son would be the same, but he might go the other way completely. That was how it was for my dad; he tried to encourage me to play every sport (and I certainly tried them all growing up) but in the end, my passion was art a performance, and once that became clear to all of us, my dad was always fully supportive. I can see how that may have been a disappointment to him, that he never had an son that was as in to athletics and sports as he was, but it has taught me a really valuable lesson about being parent. You really have to roll with the punches. When things take a turn you don't expect, or your child develops into someone you didn't anticipate, you have to learn to embrace his (or her) interests, even if they weren't what you wanted yourself.

Someone told me recently that "it's your first baby girl that really makes you feel like a father". I'm not sure why that would be the case more so than with a boy. Maybe it's a gender role thing again, that feeling of having a delicate little female person who needs you to protect them. It certainly sounds like  a cliche when I put it down on paper, but I can imagine that there's an actual chemical, innate reaction involved with having a baby girl. Just like having a baby boy might make a man feel more like a patriarch, passing on his lineage a son like some sort of monarchy.

No matter what the gender is, I know in my heart that I will love this child with everything I have, no matter who they turn out to be. And tomorrow is the first day when that information might be available to me!

Even so, we're going to wait to find out, for at least a little longer. We plan to have a Reveal Brunch on the following Sunday after the ultrasound. Basically we'll have the doctor give us the baby's gender in a sealed envelope. Then we'll give it to a baker, who will bake a cake where the inside is either blue or pink. On the day of the party, when we cut into the cake, we'll finally find out the gender alongside our friends and loved ones. It's a nice way to ceremonialize this moment while still keeping things fun and informal.

So tomorrow is the day. Here goes nothing!

Costa out.

Day 44 - July 21

On Tuesday, Allison and I went to the doctor to have a sonogram.

Now keep in mind, I did not go to the initial doctor visit, so Allison had done one sonogram before. At that point, there was no real movement, very few observable features, and Allison basically described the baby as a peanut. Not to be cute, but that it actually looked like a tiny peanut. Go back and look a the picture from the previous entries and you'll agree.

What we saw this time was breathtaking.

At first, we saw what was clearly a little body shape, big round head, some shadows around the face area. It was obviously right from the start that the baby had nearly quadrupled in size since the last test, only 3 weeks before. The thing about a sonogram is that you're not really seeing in 3 dimensions. It's a high-contrast image of blacks and whites. Anything that's in the "foreground", or basically making contact with the surface of the uterus, shows up in white, and things that are further into the background seem to disappear into the black. The result is almost a low-relief image bunch of the baby with a lot of shadows, where a limb may appear not to even be connected to the baby if they're positioned with their elbow back. 

The baby was looking right at us! Even with the surreal quality of the sonogram, we could see the fact clear as day, with two little arms, two little legs, and a big face with eyes facing straight ahead. Admittedly, it looked a lot like a Martian. Decide for yourself: 

But the really amazing thing was to see it moving. We could see little legs kicking, little arms flapping. Elbows and knee joints moving independently. To see this little person, who started so abstract and now moving around of its own accord, it really took my breath away. We even caught a glimpse of a tiny hand with 5 nearly microscopic fingers. At one point, the baby turned and seemed to grab hold of the umbilical cord, our doctor pointed out to us. It was really a sight to behold. 

I made the announcement at work on Thursday and my team was really supportive. I'm grateful to work in an office with people who really value and respect what an important and life-changing event this really is.

Next Friday, we're going for a different type of sonogram to test for down syndrome. Supposedly, the resolution on this test is going to be extremely high, compared to the tests we've had so far. Supposedly, we're going to see the baby in high definition and most importantly, we'll have the opportunity to discover the gender! We definitely do want to find out, but not that day. We have a whole plan; more on that later...

Day 33 - July 10, 2012

We're in the 10th week now and the baby's the size of a prune, apparently. Allison and I are schedule to go back in for some kind of important test on the 17th, which is next Tuesday. She says it's not going to be the "big" one, where we do the sonogram and can potentially find out the gender. That one's schedule for July 27th, apparently. Still, I remain cautiously prepared, since the last time they kind of sidelined us with a sonogram that was supposed to only be a blood test!

We told all our friends on Saturday, so most people know about it at this point. We're not actively hiding it from anyone, we just kind of wanted to let word-of-mouth do its thing at this point. As for the announcement, about 8 of our close friends come with us to dinner at the Red Sky Restaurant, a new place my old high-school friend James opened up in Keyport. Allie and Will already knew from being told the previous week, but other than it came as a surprise to the rest of the group, consisting of Jon Moore, Natalie, Nees, Sara, and Sean Louis. My friend Nees inadvertently goaded me into making a toast, which seems to be my thing these days. I toasted the group, reminded everyone that the last time I made a toast I proposed to Allison, and then layed it on them.

Everyone was very excited for us. Telling friends is different from telling family, they have a different kind of emotional investment. With family, it's all about a new generation, a continued bloodline; parents becoming grandparents, siblings becoming aunts and uncles, etc. In almost like it's part of themselves. With friends, I feel there are different things playing into it. Some friends get nostalgic, thinking back to our younger days and realizing how far we've come. Some people take in the experience, putting it in perspective with their own life, their own relationships, their personal journey of "growing up". I imagine some friends think about how the change in our lives will change our relationship with them, for better or worse. It's a rich and emotionally diverse experience, sharing this part of my life with my friends. Getting to see so many close friends at once, and see their reactions to this great news, has made me even more appreciative that I've chosen such awesome people to be a part of my life.