Day 24 - July 1

On TheBump.com, they have a feature that allows you to track your baby's development, week-by-week. For example, in the 9th week your baby is as large as a green olive, approximately .9 inches long, and transitions from being an embryo to being a fetus. Reading this data, and seeing the preliminary sonogram image, is making this whole experience start to seem less abstract. That little concept that Allison is developing is starting to develop into an actual person in a very real way!

It's got me thinking a lot about the person he/she is going to be. It has nearly limitless potential to be anyone, do anything. And I don't think there's any way around the fact that at least part of the outcome is going to be baed on the decisions we make as parents, ie how badly we screw them up. Allison was given a book as a gift called How To Traumatize Your Child. It's a whimsical book but it makes a compelling point. Children end up being a product of their parenting (to whatever degree you are comfortable admitting). A strict parent who demands obedience may have no better luck than the overly lax parent who, hoping to avoid their own rigid upbringing, ends up being inconsistent and maybe even negligent. The best you can really do is try to "traumatize" your kid in a way that will benefit them in the long run. But it's a gray area, isn't it? And you won't really know how well your parenting style works in theory until they're all grown up anyway, so it's a bit of a gamble.

Parenting aside, your kid is going to have their own personality, tendencies, and characteristics which will play into it. I asked Allison this hypothetical the other day.

"If you could hand-pick a single quality that you could guarantee that your child will be inherently born with, what would it be?"

I clarified it could be physical, emotional, philosophical, whatever. Skipping past the obvious ones like healthy and "nice", we both thought about our answers.

My answer was that above all else, I want my child to be open-minded. A person who grows up with an open mind will be tolerant, respectful, patient, non-judgmental, and one would hope, loving. They would be willing to try new foods, brave enough to seek out new experiences, and welcoming to new friends and different kinds of people. This quality, I believe, will produce a well rounded person. That's what I want for my kid.

Allison's answer was that she wants them to be outgoing. Being a first grade teacher, she spends all day interacting. I think she sees the ultimate benefit of a child who can overcome shyness and social pressure and make friends with anyone and anybody. She also teaches special ed, and works with many children who have underdeveloped social skills, and I agree with her that the true tragedy of some of these cases is their inability to connect with other kids and even their own parents. An outgoing person is someone who, despite the ups and downs of life, will never feel alone. Isn't that what we all want for our kids?

You never really know who your baby will bcome, as a person. I suppose the real challenge of parenting is being mature and wise enough to accept your kids, no matter who they turn out be be.

Day 20 - June 27

In a half hour it will be my birthday. Allison is asleep in bed next to me, wee were going to stay up until midnight for the first minute of my actual birthday, but she couldn't quite make it. Not surprising after the day we had.

Today Allison had her first official appointment with her gynecologist. I didn't go with her, though I wanted to, because the nurse assured us over the phone that it would be a fairly routine visit, just a simple blood test and a quick rundown of the pregnancy rules. She said we wouldn't even meet with the doctor until 2 weeks from now.

Well, I don't know where she came up with that version of the procedure, but as it turns out, it was a pretty big day for us. Luckily, Allison's mom went with Allison to her appointment. After the initial conversation, they determined that Allison is a bit further along than we thought, 8 weeks to be exact, so they encouraged her to do a sonogram today.

I was at work when Allison texted me to tell me how the plan had changed. I admit that at first, I was initially disappointed to have not been there for this moment. After all, the nurse has told us that basically today would just confirm that we were actually pregnant! I had no idea we'd be doing these tests today. Allison sent me the photo right away though and I got to see exactly what she did.

Behold, the first real moment of my child's little life:



Seeing this image brought tears to my eyes. Sure, it doesn't look like anything really. You can only kind of make out the shape of a little person on the left side of the black area. As it turns out, it doesn't sound like much either, according to Allison. It's still too early to hear the heartbeat, but there are visual cues to indicate that the baby is developing in perfect health. But either way, that's it-- that's my baby! I helped to make it. I know that every parent thinks their child is a miracle, but in this case, it truly is. Looking at that nearly shapeless gray blob, no larger than a raspberry (so I'm told), I'm filled with a feeling of pride and hope. In those few pixels lies the entire future and potential of a little person who will look to me to for guidance in a crazy, complicated world. And I can't wait.

This preliminary sonogram is going to be a precursor to the big one, which is scheduled for July 17. That's the one where we'll hear the heartbeat for the first time, and really begin to identify features and movement. But the big news is that the baby is really there, and it's healthy. It's confirmed that Allison is 8 weeks pregnant and that her estimated due date is February 7th.

So, now we wait. As of 4 minutes ago, it's my birthday. And I can't think of a single birthday gift that I might get that will mean more to me than the one Allison gave me today.

Day 13 - June 20

I told my parents!

After a week of schedule and rescheduling, and a bit of anxiety on my part, we finally got together on Thursday at my parents' house. We were going to do some grilling in the backyard, marinated chicken, ribs, and a pasta/spaghetti squash concoction that only my mom can make. Again, finding the right moment to share the news was going to be a challenge, because whenever the words were spoken, we knew the meal would basically come to a screeching halt.

Going into the evening, I told Allison my parents were probably already slightly suspicious about how persistent I'd been about having the family dinner. Knowing how smart and insightful my mom and sisters are, I had a plan to throw them off the scent. "When we get there, I'm going to pour us both a glass of wine," I told Allison. "Just hold it. No one will notice you're not sipping from it, but they'll notice if you don't have it."

The plan worked perfectly. Nobody noticed a thing for the hour before we ate. We sat on the back patio while my mom grilled and caught up on each other's lives (leaving out one small detail, until the right moment, of course).

My sister Jill and Emily were both able to be there, which I was very happy about. When Ally first told me about the pregnancy, one of the first things I told her was "Out of everybody, Jill is going to be the most excited about this." Jill, who's only 13, has been asking me constantly when we're going to have a baby, since we got married over a year ago. I guess she just likes the idea of not being the youngest anymore!

We sat down to eat, and I offered to make a toast. I narvously, awkwardly started...

"I just wanted to thank everybody for making the time to get together tonight as a family. I know it's not always easy to find the time, but I'm really happy that we managed it and that we're all here right now."

Th

It sounded a lot less eloquent than I'm making it sound here. My dad joked about the dopey quality of my toast, and decided to just come out and say it. "Allison and I have some news. We're pregnant."

This is the second time I've done this now, and each time I notice the exact same phenomenon occur. I don't know if it's because of my health history, or because we're newlyweds, but every time we say the words "we have an announcement", the room always goes utterly silent. You can almost audibly hear everyone holding their breath. And then when the announcement does come, each time there has been an eerie 3-second silence to follow, as people process the words to decide if it's a joke or if they misheard. my parents and sisters all sat in silence for what felt like an hour, before all four of them responded, in unison, with the exact same response.

They burst into tears.

Happy tears, of course. We all cried a little and spent some time letting everything sink in, marveling at the fact that something we never really believed could happen was, all of a sudden, a beautiful reality.

Everyone's reaction was different. My dad never used to cry until a couple of years ago, but after my illness he crossed a threshold and could never go back. This night, he cried for a good 3 minutes before he was really able to begin talking about everything. As a father, there must be something really profound that happens inside you when your son has a son of his own. I think my dad was really shaken to the core at the thought that this would happen, after preparing himself for the idea that it probably would not. He quickly changed to almost manic excitement at the prospect of having a grandson to play with. He's been so freaking happy since we told him, that I can hardly describe it.

My mom and Jillian were also extremely emotional and excited to learn the news. Emily, especially, had a very sobering reaction to the news. She had some really thoughtful comments about how lucky we are and how much of a Godsend this baby is going to be for our family.

All in all, we had a really long, emotional, and joyful dinner together. Sharing a meal with my family and getting to absorb everyone's unique reactions to this baby really made me aware of just how lucky i am to have such a diverse and supportive family.

Over the next few days, we also shared the news with my Grandparents and my Godfather Vinnie and his wife Barbara. Similar conversations but special in their own way; initial shock, then elation, lots of emotions, a lot of thanking Jesus, more excitement, and finally cautious optimism. At this point my greatest concern is that I'll be lucky if I even have a chance to raise this baby, between all our family members it seems like we've got about 10 surrogate parents lined up to do it for me!

Day 5 - June 12

It's been about 5 days and we've got an appointment to see the OBGYNon June 26th, the day before my birthday. Quite a birthday present, am I right? Allison and I are so filled with nervous energy and excitement, we hardly know what to do with this time to keep ourselves busy. We've been doing a lot of research. I have to admit, I really don't know anything about pregnancy, so this is new territory for me. I'm really interested to find out as much as I can, to prepare myself for the months to come.

Allison has been 5 steps ahead of me on this. She's like a sponge absorbing every drop of information she can: what vitamins to take, what food she can and can't eat, how many weeks before she might start to feel sick, what the safest options are for getting a manicure. For instance, after 4-5 weeks of pregnancy, the baby is about the size of a poppy seed. Or how about the fact that there is a pressure point between the ankle and heel that can induce contractions, if mishandled by an inexperienced pedicurist.

There are so many rules, I'm learning. Everyone knows alcohol and sushi is out. But I had no idea that cold cuts are also on the list of things not to eat (something with bacteria). That makes getting enough protein challenging. Fish is good but not in excess, because too much mercury can be bad for the baby. Exercise is important but should ideally be low impact, yet you can bike into your thirds trimester. the only medicine that you can take is Tylenol, Robitussin, and TUMS.

There are so many things you have to keep in mind, I don't understand how pregnant women get through the day without having a nervous breakdown, never mind their husbands!

But I can't help but wonder, how much of this stuff is really essential? Do European women worry this much about having a glass of wine? Are cold cuts really such a high risk? Is it really possible to go into labor from a foot rub?? I just keep thinking that for thousands of years, human beings have been able to reproduce successfully, haven't we? I doubt the ancient Egyptians took prenatal vitamins, and they still managed to bud a pyramids. Granted, they did force other people to do it, bad example... but my point remains the same.

I'm all for being knowledgable and cautious. But I honestly believe that there's something important about being exposed to things like dirt, and bacteria, and viruses, and allergens. Every kid is allergic to everything nowadays. I can't help but wonder if peanut allergies happen because some poor mother was so scared about what she should eat, that she never exposed her unborn child to a peanut until they turned 5 years old. I'm pretty sure there have been studies that have shown that using Purell too often during pregnancy is harmful, because you end up preparing the baby for a world that's more sterile than it really is. What happens when they are born and they first come in contact with a germ, if their body has never even encountered one before?

I don't pretend to have all the answers, I'm really just asking these questions to
Myself for the first time. I've got a lot to learn, and you never have any guarantee that the choices you make will have any effect on the outcome. I guess all you can do is learn as much as you can, and just cross your fingers and leave it up to the powers that be. And, I suppose, try not to go crazy in the process!

Day 2 - June 9 2012

After 3 positive pregnancy tests, we had to decide how to tell our families. It was going to be easier said than done.

I cannot WAIT to tell my family, which at the moment is all over the place. My dad, who has been on a work hiatus for over a year, is just now becoming actively involved in the launch of his new personnel business. My mom, the super athlete, just recently earned her license as a certified personal trainer, which is occupying most of her time at the moment. My 21-year old sister Emily is home from college and applying rigorously for a job at a high-end clothing store in NY, and my little sister Jill is a 13 year old, so 'nuff said. Since I found out myself on Thursday, I've been trying to organize a family dinner to make our announcement, but I can't seem to get anyone on the same schedule. They're driving me nuts. Its not their fault, they don't even know its important, and I can't properly pressure them without giving away the surprise. As of now, we've agreed to the following Thursday, so I'm just trying to lose my mind waiting a whole WEEK to share the news of the impossible baby.

As for telling Allison's family, we had a convenient opportunity already in place. It so happens that we were already planning to spend a quiet weekend at their beach house down the shore. The perfect opportunity for a big announcement. We ate dinner on our back porch with Allison's parents Ray and Jeanne, and her "second mother" Aunt Pat and her partner, Jim. Allison's 23 year old brother Matt couldn't make dinner because he was working late at his job as a whale watching cruise captain in Cape May. So he would have to find out later, because we couldn't hold in our excitement any more.

We waited to actually eat because we didn't want anybody to choke or do a spit take when they got the news with a mouthful of turkey burger. All the while, Allison and I exchanged nervous glances and tried not to behave awkwardly.

Finally, Allison cleared her throat ( I should mentioned that she has laryngitis and almost no voice, NOW of all times).

"So, Mike and I have a little announcement," she said nervously. I stared at her to see how she was going to word it. "We've been, we were, well ..." she started to ramble, trying to segue into it. Then she changed her mind and cut right to the chase. "We're pregnant."

Now, Ocean City is a barrier island, approximately 7miles long, with a population of 11,701, not counting numerous daily beachgoing out-of-towners. I say this because I'm fairly certain that even that lone 11,701st person, 7 miles away heard the ear splitting shriek as Aunt Pat and Allison's mom joyfully exclaimed "WHAT?!"

And so began a long, impromptu conversation that included such topics as preferred gender, daycare options, shopping, showers, shopping (again), and the good, bad, and ugly of baby names. Several empty bottles of wine later, plus half a bottle of Welch's grape juice, tastefully poured in a wine glass for the expectant mother, we were pooped and Allison's voice was gone. The reactions were great, and we were just happy and relieved to share our excitement with our family.

Now I just have to gear up for the next big moment: telling the Costa family!

It's grape juice. Don't worry.

Day 1 - June 8 2012

Yesterday, my wife told me that I'm going to be a father.

I knew something was up as soon as i walked in our condo. Normally, when I get home from work, I will observe one of three things. One, the TV in our living room is on, meaning that Allison will be on the adjacent couch curled up in her usual spot. Option B, light is peeking out from the slats in the laundry room door, and I can assume she's folding clothes. Or finally, if I hear clanging in the kitchen, she's making dinner for us. On this particular afternoon, none of those things were happening. Instead, I came in and everything was quiet, until Allison just kind of stepped out from the hallway and said it.

Actually, she didn't tell me, so much as walk me into our bathroom, point at a little blue object on the counter, and smile at me with a silly little grin.

For a split second, I actually didn't get it. Did I mentioned I'm a little stupid? Only a split second, mind you. Then the realization came rushing in like a waterfall. I don't remember exactly what I said, which is a shame for my storytelling, but I think it was something to the effect of "Holy s***".

Now I'm sure I'm not the only man to have ever reacted that way, but let me give a little backstory. Six years ago, when I was 20, I was diagnosed with stage 4 testicular cancer. It was sudden and unexpected, and forced me to drop out of college, undergo intensive, prolonged, and even experimental treatment for a year. Allison and I started dating within the first several weeks of my diagnosis, after having been friends for years but never dating. Talk about "Lovers in a Dangerous Time", we entered into that relationship knowing that it was what we both wanted, but with no idea what the outcome of my illness would be. clinically speaking, I had about a 50/50 chance of surviving, which Allison knew from the beginning, and even so she never once wavered in her support and love for me.

As my treatment progressed, I had to make decisions about the future of my fertility. The doctors encouraged me to bank my sperm cryogenically before any of my treatment. Allison, again showing her maturity and selflessness, told me that when the time came and we wanted to have kids, she would be open to whatever options were available to us, be it artificial insemination, adoption, and so on. So it was settled. I banked my sperm, they took my cancer theatrical, and within a year, against all odds, I beat my cancer with one healthy testicle intact.

I began my remission in 2006, and it wasn't until 2009 that I took a fertility test. To my disappointment, the doctor told me that I had a very low sperm count, even after 3 years of being in perfect health. My motility was also low, and I would likely have difficulty conceiving on my own. It was hard news it hear, but I still felt strangely confidant that it could, and would happen one day. It also helped that I knew Allison was willing to try mwhatever options we needed to try. And so on went our lives, we got engaged in June 2008, married in November 2010. We bought a house and have lived there almost 2 years.

About a month ago, we talked about "trying" for a baby, in the very loosest sense possible. By that I mean that we agreed to stop actively preventing it, and basically just leave it in God's hands. No charting cycles, no temperature taking, no prenatal vitamins, just willful negligence. I think we felt ready, and we wanted to see if it was even possible. I'm not sure if I was a skeptic, or if I was just protecting myself emotionally from being disappointed if it didn't happen. Either was, I thought it would be very very unlikely.

And so here I am, on June 7th, 2012. My wife is pointing to a blue object on the bathroom counter with a little blue "+" on it. And I can't believe it.



The impossible baby is going to be a reality.

So here goes nothing!