Tomorrow is a big day for us. We're going for a special ultrasound that serves as a screening for Down Syndrome. It's supposed to be a much higher resolution sonogram than the ones we've had previously, and most importantly-- we may have the opportunity to find out the gender!
This has been a huge milestone for us, one that I've really anxiously awaited from the moment we found out we were pregnant. Actually, come to think of it, I'm surprised I haven't talked about it much yet up to this point, because it's almost all I ever think about. Is it a boy or a girl in there? It comes down to what is essentially a flip of the coin that will forever change the course of our lives.
My way of processing this experience has largely been talking about it, here in the blog and with Allison, every day. But I've really been wanting to find an artistic outlet for my excitement, and I feel like without knowing the gender, I don't know what to do with myself. I want to paint a mural in the guest bedroom, but I don't know what paint colors to buy. I'd like to buy a toy maybe, or when I walk through Target and I pass by the baby clothes, I can't help but wonder if I'll be buying Batman or Cinderella t-shirts. I'm a huge planner, and so much of my planning hinges on whether we're having a boy or a girl. I feel like for the past month I've just been spinning my wheels until the moment when we finally find out. Hell, I don't even know which pronoun to use when I refer to the baby! I keep defaulting to "he" without meaning to (just like Allison keeps saying "she").
On that subject, I haven't really been able to decide if I have a preference about gender. I have absolutely no doubt that I will fall in love with the idea of a boy or girl the minute I find out, so it's not about disappointment. It's really more about the "fantasy" of the gender roles; do I imagine it will be a little boy who wants to play catch in the backyard, or a little girl who wants to play dress-up? Of course these are just stereotypes. I could very well have a boy who wants to ballroom dance, or a girl who wants to play golf. I don't much care about gender roles. But that said, it is hard not to daydream about how it will be to have a son or daughter, largely influenced (I'm sure) by images that have stuck in my head from movies and TV and all the other subtle influences I've grown up with.
Part of me feels like I favor having a boy, but I'm not sure why. I'm next exactly a man's man, I'm not really into sports and I've always felt that I relate a little better with women (my girl friends have always outnumbered the guys in my life). Part of this gender discussion has me realizing that I'm going to have to be open-minded and adapt to how this kid turns out to be. I grew up in the theater, and I may like to envision that my own son would be the same, but he might go the other way completely. That was how it was for my dad; he tried to encourage me to play every sport (and I certainly tried them all growing up) but in the end, my passion was art a performance, and once that became clear to all of us, my dad was always fully supportive. I can see how that may have been a disappointment to him, that he never had an son that was as in to athletics and sports as he was, but it has taught me a really valuable lesson about being parent. You really have to roll with the punches. When things take a turn you don't expect, or your child develops into someone you didn't anticipate, you have to learn to embrace his (or her) interests, even if they weren't what you wanted yourself.
Someone told me recently that "it's your first baby girl that really makes you feel like a father". I'm not sure why that would be the case more so than with a boy. Maybe it's a gender role thing again, that feeling of having a delicate little female person who needs you to protect them. It certainly sounds like a cliche when I put it down on paper, but I can imagine that there's an actual chemical, innate reaction involved with having a baby girl. Just like having a baby boy might make a man feel more like a patriarch, passing on his lineage a son like some sort of monarchy.
No matter what the gender is, I know in my heart that I will love this child with everything I have, no matter who they turn out to be. And tomorrow is the first day when that information might be available to me!
Even so, we're going to wait to find out, for at least a little longer. We plan to have a Reveal Brunch on the following Sunday after the ultrasound. Basically we'll have the doctor give us the baby's gender in a sealed envelope. Then we'll give it to a baker, who will bake a cake where the inside is either blue or pink. On the day of the party, when we cut into the cake, we'll finally find out the gender alongside our friends and loved ones. It's a nice way to ceremonialize this moment while still keeping things fun and informal.
So tomorrow is the day. Here goes nothing!
Costa out.
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